The Fast and the Confusing
by zeekie1
Summary: We make fun of Fast and Furious, Scorpion King, Matrix, Dude Where's My Car and more.


Author's Note: this is the result of severe boredom. My brother and I had to sit through three and a half hours of my sister's piano recital. Ahh! Boring. Any way I don't own any thing but the streets that shoot flames, and the scorpion car. I don't even really own that because I don't have a car. I'll copy it exactly so it starts kind of odd. We ripped off so many movies. If you review, please give us some more movies ideas to rip off. Thanx. Luv Zeekie ps (_I'm italic_, and **he's bold** if it works out, if not just screw that.)

Oh yeah and the "Look" is that one face The Rock always makes, you know, one eyebrow up and head slightly tilted, and it's the look Keanu Reeves does most of the time. You know that one too, that slightly confused look he almost always has. 

The **Fast** and the_ Confusing_

****

Let's make a movie for the Rock and Keanu Reeves _as brothers. _**They race cars in street races. **_For some strange and unknown reason the streets tend to just shoot up flames as they race. _**Then the Rock crashes into a Celica **_-containing Paul Walker _**and Vin Diesel. Paul Walker gave the car to Vin. **_There has been an alien invasion and the aliens like to attack things that go fast. That's why the Rock crashes. _**Keanu jumps out** **of his car with his AK-47 and shoots some aliens.** _Rock andKeanu make that one look for a while almost randomly. Ex. "Oh!" * the look * "I see!" * the look * "Yes of course." * the look *_

****

The NOS in the Rock's car then ignites and Vin and Paul take out their machetes and chase the Rock and Keanu around in circles for a while. _Aliens attack and they band together -- for a while. _**They hijack the next racer's Pinoose and drive away slowly, **_but Keanu fell for one of the aliens and doesn't want to leave. _**Vin cuts Keanu's arm off and punches him in the eye. **_The Rock, watching this, kicks Paul in the head. ("Unh!") This results in a brawl and they miss the Pinoose._

****

The Rock's car, still burning, blows up in a deep green flame just as a new car is driving by, a Honda Civic, and its NOS blows up in a green flame as well. Paul Walker dies by burning up. _His final words are "I love NOS!" _

Vin screams "Wahoo! I mean NOO!! (Stupid Spilner)" 

Rock is ambushed by a group of aliens. * the face * He says "NO… Save… Your… Self… little… brother…Go!" as his guts are liquified. (The aliens are kind of spider-like)

****

Then a gang of crotch rockets do wheelies and crush his body into patches of dust and Vin goes "HA Ha" 

__

Keanu foolishly tries to attack Vin and is thrown to the ground and cries "NO, not my B-b-big b-br-brother. N-n-nooooo…!" 

****

He is knocked unconscious in a head on collision with a sixteen wheeler using NOS and going 280. He is only knocked unconscious because racers are made of stranger stuff (but they can't withstand cars going only 140) _Vin is finally picked up by a passing motorist. _**It is a Jetta that looks like **Jesse's. Johnny Tran is driving it. The rest of his gang followed him in their **crotch rockets.** _They were trying to dislodge the aliens clinging to them. Somebody shoots one of the aliens, and ends up killing the guy it was attached to, leaving a bike open._

****

Vin throws Keanu on it and attaches it to the Jetta, putting Keanu on the cycle. _[I wanted to leave Keanu behind, but oh well] Keanu flops around while unconscious and annoys Vin. _

Vin yells at an unconscious Keanu. **"Stop that you imbecile!" When Keanu doesn't stop Vin gets angrier** _even though Keanu can't hear him. _

Tran yells out the window "Stop Fighting, don't make me stop this car!"

****

"Shut up Johnny" yells Vin as the punches Tran. They swerve, and hit a building, killing Tran but the car is all right. Vin throws Tran out and puts Keanu in the backseat. _Throughout this time Keanu is still convulsing. It turns out he got bitten by an alien, and is slowly becoming one_, **but Vin gives him the antidote and Keanu stops convulsing and when he wakes up he is in Paul Walker's room.** _The only problem is that there is no antidote. In Paul's room he discovers the Paul was an undercover police officer. He tells Vin._

Vin says "Oh really, like I didn't know that. **Why do you think there are so many shotgun bullet holes around this house? I tried to shoot him."**

__

Keanu says, "Oh, I thought you guys were all, you know, buddy-buddy."

****

Bang! A shot is fired. "Take that. No more talking from you or you'll be a half-man."

__

"Oh, yeah? I'll race you to the car to see who's right."

"Oh, yeah? I'll win!"

****

Vin gives Keanu Paul's old Viper and he drives his Pinoose. A Ferrari also wants to get in on the action. _In the Ferrari is a guy playing his video games. After racing for a while the Ferrari wins. _

"Oh, I guess we're both wrong!" says Keanu.

****

Then Keanu is hit by a Lambourgini Diablo and Vin shouts, "Learn to drive, there is a speed limit!"

__

The Lambourgini driver steps out and says "You weren't following it, I was racing with you."

"You're pretty darn slow"

"Yeah? So?"

****

Then Vin jumps in the Lambourgini locks his cars and runs the driver over. He then changes gears and wnet again and again and again. Then a pizza guy comes over. 

Keanu Reeves says "Find another way home Pizza boy."

"Gosh darn street racers."

__

The Rock's ghost pushes Keanu out of the way of a street flame. **Then since the Rock is a ghost, nothing happens and Keanu is burned to death, but they then come back to life.** _NO! The Rock's ghost pushes Keanu out of the way. He isn't really a ghost. He is alive again._

Keanu asks, "How did that happen?"

"I sold my soul to Anubis, and now I control his army"

"Oh"

****

The army consists of Celicas, Pinooses, Vipers, Ferraris, crotch rockets, Lambourginis, and Civics. They are fueled by goldfish crackers. Not needing gasoline saves us a fortune. Rock suddenly looks like a giant scorpion with his head. He gives the look to Keanu who gives the look back. Then a big bird swoops down and eats the Rock's head. Five seconds lager the bird falls and the head crawls back to and on its body. 

__

The skies darken, and the head of Anubis appears. "Go send my army to conquer, um, the Matrix."

****

Keanu says "Hey that's my movie dumby"

__

"You mean dummy," says Anubis, wincing, "dumby rhymes with Gumby, the green clay thing with Poky, Prickle **and Goo."**

"Oh yeah. Yeah wanna race to see who's right, your cars versus me and Vin?"

__

"Yes, all right," rumbles Anubis.

The cars line up. The closest cars to Vin and Keanu are driven by guess who. You're right, Paul and Tran, their souls of course. Rock gets in to some huge scorpion car and says, "Sorry bro, I sold my soul to this guy. It's a bond closer than family." * look *

Keanu * looks back * "Sorry to hear that." 

****

Then the race starts going at 160. Paul and Tran spin out, but the scorpion car, with little wind resistance, blows them away at 500 M.P.M. (Miles per minute) _Even if the scorpion car had gone only at 400 or even 300 MPH it would have still blown Keanu and Vin away. The entire dark army whooshed pats them in a blinding blur._ **After that Anubis owned Vin and Keanu's souls as well and he commanded them to slaughter the aliens and the innocent. He made sure that Brendan Fraiser didn't ruin it all.** _He forgot, however, to be sure about his son from "The Mummy Returns"._

****

Voldemort came and took over Canada. _No one even noticed._

Jesse and Chester were on the street where Vin, Keanu, etc. were racing.

"Dude, have you seen my car?" Jesse asks no one in particular.

"NO I HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR CAR!" Screams Anubis.

"Oh OK" Jesse says. "Hey Chester, Are you in the mood for some Chinese?"

****

"Shibby"

Then they go to Chinese Foooood. "Let's see, I want some white rice and mandarin chicken,"

"And then?"

"O think that's about it."

"And then?"

"Oh, dude you want some wonton soup? Yeah? Okay and some wonton soup."

"And then?" 

"Oh how about some fortune cookies"

"And then?"

"I want the price."

"And then?"

"Then you can put it in a bag and give it to me"

"And then?"

"I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games"

"And then?"

"No and then."

"And-"

"No and then."

"And then?"

"NO and then."

"And then, and then?"

"If you say and then one more time I'm gonna come in there and put my foot up your butt.___"

"And then, and then"

"Dude you didn't have to go all agro on the speaker bot."

__

"Shut Up!!" says Anubis, "I can still hear you! If you lost your car you don't deserve one! Leave the drive in speaker alone!! I can't take any more of your idiocy!!" He then made their faces mouth-less so they had to shut up. **He injected them with a little bug so he could track both of them **_now that he could no longer hear them anymore_.

A/N So ends Ch. 1 Who will our heroes run into next? Give us some ideas please. Remember it's the result of extreme cases of boredom.  



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